Last week, I had a fun interview on Kumu. To the not-so-young ones reading this, Kumu is a Pinoy community platform of livestream shows where the streamers can get paid directly by viewers through gifts such as virtual halo-halo, lechon, etc., which are then converted to diamonds, which, in turn, have cash equivalents. Maybe I’ll talk more about this fast-growing platform in another article. But I mention it now because one of the topics during that interview was about money among couples – Who pays for the date? Should you offer to split it? Can a girl ask a guy out? How do you know if he is the one?
It brought me back to my dating days in the ‘80s when we wore shoulder pads in almost all our outfits and added a couple of inches in our height, thanks to Aquanet hairspray. 🙂
After the interview, it made me think about intimacy between a boy and a girl. Relationship experts talk about different levels or spheres of intimacy. Some even have quizzes to determine your intimacy with your special someone. An article by Dr. Jenni Skyler talks about eight spheres of intimacy put forward by her mentor Dr. Marilyn Volker:
- Affectional – sharing affection like holding hands, kissing, and hugging
- Emotional – opening up to deeper authentic feelings and emotions
- Intellectual – connecting cerebrally through thoughtful conversations
- Physical/Recreational – doing physical activities together like biking, hiking, and other sports
- Social – doing social activities together, introducing the partner to one’s social circles
- Spiritual – sharing a spiritual or religious connection
- Aesthetic – sharing something beautiful together
- Sexual – exploring and sharing sexuality together
This list of intimacies shows how we often overlook the importance of money in relationships. Where is Financial Intimacy in this long list? Indeed, it is always left the elephant in the room.
I encountered a study many years ago that says that women are more willing to talk about their private sex life with other women they just met than talk about money. There is really something about money talk that makes most people very uncomfortable. But this discomfort should be overcome when it comes to your intimate relationships.
If I ask you to add Financial Intimacy in the list above, where will you place it if you were to arrange them chronologically? Which intimacy should come first among all nine? Which is last? When should Financial Intimacy happen in a relationship?
Financial Intimacy is sharing private financial information with one another. Unfortunately, even some married couples are not financially intimate. (Tweet this).
There was a recent article shared about a couple who used to be “crazy rich” and then went under, while the wife was totally clueless about the situation. Obviously, there was no financial intimacy in their marriage.
While it is a must to be financially intimate when you’re already married, there is also a right time to be financially intimate when you are still in the dating stage. You do not share your ATM password with a love interest just because you enjoyed your three dates in a row. You do not sign as co-maker of his/her credit card or any other form of obligation he/she incurs. That is tantamount to having unprotected sex with someone you hardly know! (Tweet this).
I’m quite traditional when it comes to romantic relationships. And I suggest you also apply your “Maria Clara” tactics when it comes to Financial Intimacy. And that goes for both genders. Get to know each other first. Take the FQ Test together. As you become more intimate on the first seven realms of intimacy listed above (yes, I’m taking out no. 8 for the meantime, this lola is still “Maria Clara,” do your Childhood Money Memory Exercise together (questionnaire found in Chapter 4 FQ Book 1). Then follow it up with your Core Values Exercise (found in Chapter 5 FQ Book 1).
As you get deeper into your loving relationship, go ahead and plan together. Share your dreams, save, and invest together. But make sure that you know how much belongs to each individual. It’s safest to still do it in separate accounts to avoid complications. As you journey in your relationship, you will notice where you are similar and different. With this in mind, determine if you can be financially compatible (Click Are you and your partner financially compatible?). Once you’ve established that you can work out your differences and are ready to take the next step, arm yourself with knowledge of what you are getting into. Know the laws in the Family Code that will govern your properties once married. Prioritize this discussion over the frills of your engagement and wedding. (Click Before I Do to learn more about it.)
In case you are already married and realize that you are not financially intimate with your spouse, set a time to do all the steps discussed:
- Take the FQ Test together.
- Take the Childhood Money Memories Exercise.
- Take the Core Values Exercise.
- Determine your financial capability and work out your differences in order to come up with a healthy compromise.
- Know the laws governing your marriage.
Here’s wishing all couples healthy financial intimacy!
- How do you rate yourself when it comes to FQ? If you want to find out, take the FQ Test and see where you stand right now. Scan the QR code or click the link https://fqmom.com/dev-fqtest/app/#/questionnaire
2. Have you visited our new home recently? Please do, click https://fqmom.com and let’s continue the conversation.
3. If you want to enhance your FQ through stories, check out FQ Mom books, available in print (with autograph) and ebook versions.
Attribution: Quoted article “Eight Spheres of Intimacy” is found in https://www.boulderweekly.com/content-archives/health/sophisticated-sex/eight-spheres-of-intimacy/